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Precious Moments: Harbingers of Despair. Assholes. ~.m. by maria b.


These smug motherfuckers. I hate them and all their asshole friends.

These smug motherfuckers. I hate them and all their asshole friends.

i don’t think there’s anything i hate more than the pastel universe of Precious Moments. there is a sappy wall-hanging picture, t-shirt, or porcelain figurine for every Christian milestone in a person’s life, but none for when you might really want one.

look at this prick.

Get a load of this prick.

all the people have sameface (where their faces are the same, duh. a post on that will be coming in the near future.) i can’t think of a word that exactly describes the expression all those fucks have on their faces, but it’s a kind of awful despair while attempting to come across as happy. they’re gross because it’s so obvious the soulless bastard who came up with these assholes just slapped some cartoon puppy-dog eyes on some drawings of children, painted them with Easter colors, then sat back and waited for her payday. cunt.

now, with all the subversive gendering of girls and boys in our society, i’m not surprised that the unholy abominations seduce with their oversized eyes and shades of pink some of those unfortunate females. but, in my internet research, i discovered that there are people who actually plan out and follow through on Precious Moments-themed weddings. let that sink in.

now, i can tell you a few things about those couples.

  1. that woman will never have an orgasm. ever.
  2. her new husband is gay.
  3. that woman thinks feminism is a new kind of razor.
  4. her husband is into kinky, dirty, BDSM sex. with men, obviously.
  5. she is a conservative. not Ann Coulter/Michelle Malkin conservative, more like Janet Huckabee (don’t know who she is? exactly. she’s a woman. and a real conservative.)
  6. her favorite movie is A Walk to Remember. she watches Army Wives.
  7. i hope to god these people live in the South. can they exist anywhere else? maybe Appalachia?
  8. she is only capable of cooking from a box or a can.
  9. she will drive a mini-van until the day she dies.
  10. by the time she’s 40: she will get fat, wear only stirrup pants and puffy-painted sweatshirts, sleep with lipstick on and curlers in her hair, and everything she owns will be pastel. yep, still no orgasm.


"I Wish We Could Have Sex More Than Twice a Year. And That I Didn't Have to Sneak Up On You or Beg."

i could go on, but you get the idea, right? so how about a Precious Moments figurine or card for some other likely milestones? like when your husband hits you for the first time? or “congratulations on giving up on your dreams so you can stay at home and raise kids you didn’t know you wanted”? how about “we’re so glad you came out of the closet!”?  “congratulations for sticking with your sham marriage for as long as you did”? when your husband finally tells you he’s gay? (“he’ll get over it. stick with him! we’re rooting for you!”)

*Editor’s note: the rants in this post do not apply to the elderly. bless their hearts.


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